Bridesmess

I don't go to many weddings. I live in LA, so I don't really know people who get married. Therefore, weddings are a novelty to me and I love them, even though I usually break out into a reocurring rash all over my body when one is approaching. (True story.) But what's not to love? Lots of food, lots of drinks, DANCING, people happy and optimistic about love and the future (unlike my daily life.) I haven't been to many weddings, but my fondest memories are of one where I ended up in the hot tub of a certain television star with my closest friends, of which there is a lost tape circulating this earth. That was after I cried all my makeup off during the ceremony, of course.

The other fondest memory I have is of the only wedding I've ever been in. I was lucky enough to have my very best friends with me. That one ended in many different ways. One of those ways includes my "homosexual" roommate stripping my bridesmaid's dress off of me in the hotel room and forcing me to dance with him. (Ok, he didn't force me, per se...) The other ways, I'm not at liberty to discuss. Let's just say it was a lot of fun, and I cried BEFORE, DURING, and AFTER the ceremony. (See picture below.)

You're probably reading this and thinking "Who gives a shit, you crazy basket case?" I am, too.

This past weekend, I was somebody's wedding date for the first time! (My "homosexual" roommate's date.) Shocking, since from what you have read above, I'm a good time at a wedding. Personally, I was looking to make a living out of being a professional wedding date. But then my good friend Steve pointed out that that position has already been created. "They're called 'escorts.'" Touche, Steve.

What I learned form that wedding, aside from the fact that if you have an empty seat next to you, you can get two different entrees and pawn one of them off as the invisible guest's next to you, is that bridesmaids are supposed to smile when walking down the aisle and not look like they just watched "Marley & Me." Note taken for the next wedding I'm in. I also learned that while I love my cocktails, I should probably not get wasted if/when I have a wedding day of my own. I'm going to have to speak to people and most importantly, my husband will be expecting to finally get a piece of this... Wait...

I will work on my game plan. All I know is Kenny and I on the dance floor is definitely on the itinerary at any wedding. We also do bachelor parties and bar mitzvahs.

Luchana Gatica: The Black Man's Kryptonite

It's no secret that Kim Kardashian and I have a few things in common: We both have some junk in the trunk (although i don't really think my junk fills up the trunk as much as hers, or as my friend Scott Cushing would describe her, "She looks like she's wearing adult diapers,") we both suffer from psoriasis (a big shout out to Kim for making psoriasis, and asses, cool) and we are both popular among African American males ages 12-99.                         

(If you thought I was going to say "We've both made tapes we're not proud of," then I guess we will just have to wait a little longer to see what happens when I get famous.)

I've had a busy week when it comes to that last example. 

Sometimes I think it might be all in my head... Until I walk into a room full of these gentlemen and feel like I'm walking through a prison (see my comedy routine,) or the Main Room at the Comedy Store on a Tuesday night. That is precisely where things took a turn this week.                                            

This can only mean two things: A.) I need to up my cardio regimen. B.) They can sense that I am 'uncharted territory' when it comes to the chocolate thunder, kind of like how all the Cullens are oh-so-eager to suck Bella's blood in "Twilight."

Saturday night was particularly special when we had several basketball players at my place of employment. Need I say more? Obviously. Let's just say, as I was leaving, my boss was re-enacting what he saw every time I went over to the table in question. Let's also say that I'm going to start requesting extra security on nights like those or at least someone to escort me to my car, as I don't feel safe in my work environment and also feel like my sexual health is in jeopardy.

Sunday is the Lord's day. One would hope they would be a little more tactful when oggling... Especially at hospitals. As I was getting a visitor's pass, I could feel stares behind me. My suspicions were true. As I was walking out my friend said to me, "Did you see those..." And I stopped him immediately and said, "Yes. Staring. I know all about it."

The moral of the story is 2013 is right around the corner, and we are all aware of the pact I've made before God and my 19 faithful followers. If you don't know what I'm talking about, you should subscribe to my blog and stay in the loop. Big things happening. Until then, hold on to your do-rags.

25 Things You May Or May Not Know About Me

I know all my blog readers have been on the edge of their seats waiting for my latest entry. I apologize, but my juices have only been flowing for new stand up material which is not necessarily suitable for internet audiences. I figured that instead of just not writing, I would give you all a little insight about me. Some of these facts are important and some are as useless as my roommate on a Monday afternoon during a rerun marathon of America's Next Top Model. You're all welcome.

Here are 25 things about me:

1.) I would eat sticks of butter if it were socially acceptable and I didn't think my ass would multiply like Gremlins. (AKA a perfect world.)

2.) I have a tiny scar right under my nose from an unforgettable tantrum I threw back in '88 when my mom sent me to my room and I rolled onto a wooden clog that got stuck to my face. (I like to think that was the beginning of a very promising career path as a performer.)

3.) I have never wanted to do anything other than pursue acting and I don't think I ever will.

4.) If I knew when I moved here that it was going to take me this long to make something of myself, I would have started dating for money about 3 years ago.

5.) My longest (and best) relationship has been with the gay man I have been living with for the past 5+ years. We will soon be married under "Common Law." (That is both depressing and awesome.)

6.) You can always tell when I'm drunk because I smile a lot and get quiet. (Unless I'm dancing on any type of surface, which is also a huge indication of my intoxication.)

7.) You can always tell when I'm about to get my period because my boobs really do get a lot bigger (so awesome) and I'm a raging bitch who will eat anything on anyone's plate.

8.) I will eat anything on anyone's plate no matter what time of the month it is.

9.) EVERY man who has ever crossed me has come crawling back with his tail between his legs. (There have been too many of those.)

10.) My godfather is Julio Iglesias, but I've never met Enrique. I'm actually okay with that because his music makes me want to scratch my eyes out with my toenails.

11.) I don't watch ANY REALITY TV, WHATSOEVER. I think it is THE DEVIL.

12.) I have seen the movie 'Clueless' over 150 times.

13.) When I was little, I had posters of Tiffani-Amber Thiessen (AKA Kelly Kapowski) all over my bedroom walls. My brother thought I might turn out to be a lesbian.

14.) I had a really unfortunate fat stage from about 4th grade til I got my heart broken at 14. (See picture for this blog.)

15.) When I lost all the weight, my mother would bribe/blackmail me with my fat pictures and would threaten to show boyfriends of mine if I didn't do what she asked.

16.) I want everything to do with anything containing the word "truffle" in it.

17.) I will do absolutely anything for somebody I love. Friend, family, or significant other.

18.) I won 2 beauty pageants in Texas before I moved to LA.

19.) I got to work with Spike Lee and Mariah Carey on a short film and it was the single most rewarding day I've ever had as an actress.

20.) I can (and have) flirt my way out of anything.

21.) When I was young, my mom always told me to only eat what I wanted on my plate. That plan backfired on everyone because now I eat everything on everyone's plate... As previously stated.

22.) I grew up riding in Rolls Royces, Lamborghinis, and Jaguars, and having a dozen servants, but I've never been unemployed since I my first job at 15.

23.) I've met Tiffani-Amber Thiessen twice in my life and declared my love for her both times.

24.) My biggest dream of becoming successful is to be able to take all my friends and family to dinners, vacations, and pay for it all!

25.) I'm pretty sure I was black in my past life.

2013: The Year of the Black Man

The world is coming to an end and I have never dated or been with a black man. This is for no particular reason. I am not racist, being a minority myself. I just never have.

If you have ever seen my stand-up or have been in the same as room as me with a black man or are a black man yourself, you know that there are 3 certainties in this life: Death, taxes, and the fact that if there is a black man within 100 feet of me, he will hit on me.

Fact: Black men have QUITE a way with words. These things have been said to me by said individuals:

-"Damn girl, look at them legs. Imma call you squat rack."
-"MMM... you are a BRICK... HOUSE."
-"You keepin' that body BAM BAM."
-"Damn girl, you got booty! I see you with them shorts on." (That was actually a black woman.)

Charming.

And last week one followed me through a CVS drug store, right into the tampon aisle, and hit on me while I was holding a box of Tampax. (Regular, in case anyone was wondering. Aunt Flo is fairly good to me.) When he finally stopped talking to me, I just looked at him and he then realized what was in my hands. Embarrassed, he said," Ohhh, I didn't realize what aisle we was in..." to which I responded, "That's what you get for following someone around an entire store." And walked away.

After that courteous exchange, I lovingly threatened God. I mean, I've been single for 6 years. Maybe I could be in Happily Ever Afterville by now if I took one of the many 762,913 advances that came my way. Maybe.

I told (threatened) God that if I'm still single by the time I'm 30 in 2 years, I will cross over to the 'dark side.' For all I know, God is like "You stupid bitch, I've been trying to tell you that since your ass grew in. Take a hint!"I guess only time will tell...

Will You Marry Me... Anyone?

With all this "Royal Wedding" stuff, (which, frankly, I don't care about) I started thinking about weddings in general. Well, let's be honest, I'm a woman and I have thought about this since I walked Barbie and Ken down the aisle before I took off all their clothes and forced them to have plastic doll sex. That is what little girls do.

According to the life-plan schedule I made when I was approximately 8 years old, I was supposed to be married by now. With at least one kid on the way. (And by "at least," I mean that I was/am supposed to have twins... Boy/girl twins.) Just like J-Lo. We have so much in common.

20 years later, I live in LA. I rest my case. I'm not saying I would want to be married right now, where I am today. Frankly, when I think about being in a committed relationship, sometimes I think I would rather join the Witness Protection Program. Sometimes. I'm working on it. HOWEVER, it would be nice to have been asked by now. I remember being a little girl and thinking, "What if I grow up and no one ever wants to marry me or asks me to marry them?!" And then I thought, "That would never happen. My mom was married at 19... And 27... And 38." Basically, my biggest little girl fear is on it's way to being realized.

I never thought I would be 28 and living with my gay soulmate and scaring the shit out of him and vice/versa 24 hours a day, but that's pretty cool, too. Plus, as my mom said, I can't leave Kenny alone. He will have to come with me when I get married, so we better step our game up.

Bottle Rat Status: RETIRED

There are a lot of things that I don't want to do that I will do for my friends. Drive them to the airport at 4am, delete their ex from facebook. I would even help a friend who suspects she has lost a feminine product inside of her, because I know they would do (and HAVE done) all of those things for me. What I DON'T want to do is go to a Hollywood club.

I would have never in 2 million years thought I would ever utter those words. It seems I've come a long way from the young bottle rat* who landed in LA 8 years ago with big dreams and cubic zirconias dangling from her pierced belly button, which she exposed EVERYWHERE she went. (Yes, even at work. No, I was not a stripper... But I'm sure I could've fooled a few people.) I remember the days when my roommates and I would spend all of our money buying new outfits on Melrose so we could go to all the hot spots with our fake ID's that we bought from Alvarado Street, just to see Britney and Justin under the same roof post-breakup. (We were there the night of the infamous "dance-off," not a big deal.) So broke, we would order 1 Long Island Iced Tea and share it between the 3 of us until we found some suckers to buy us drinks. After parties in pools with married A-Listers (unknown to us.) Oh, Hollywood...

Maybe I grew out of clubbing 3 nights a week, maybe I've grown up, or maybe working at Hyde for 8 months and seeing how awful people who go out 3 or 4 nights a week are when you're on the other side of it really got to me. There seems to be a direct correlation between working there and when I became fed up. I think once you are handed a carafe full of vomit from a drunk slut without warning, the "fun" aspect of nightlife goes out the window. (Yes, that happened to me, because those things ONLY happen to me.)

Things I rather do these days: Happy Hour and pass out in my bed to questionable CW programming, terrorize kids with my affection, spend an evening at the Grove watching a movie and eating at the Cheesecake Factory. I'm happy to have retired my half-shirts to a new generation of bottle rats, and happy to be left with only stories that I can tell my grandchildren... Or sell to the tabloids.

*Bottle Rat- the girl(s) at the club waiting for guys to buy them drinks/bottles. (See picture above.)

I'd Like to Know Victoria's Secret.

I've always thought lingerie seems like a fun concept. It's been a really long time since I've come in contact with any which is one of the perks AND downfalls of being single for a VERY long time. (Perk: Saving a lot of money. Downfall: Slowly dying alone.)

I like lingerie, even though I don't really understand it. It makes sense in movies but I just don't understand how it works unless you are jumping out of a cake or wearing it before the recipient arrives at your destination. But if you and the person you are wearing it for are in the same place do you go to the bathroom to change? I guess it would be stupid to put it on in front of them. And are you supposed to wear high heels? So you come out of the bathroom all of a sudden in lingerie and heels and then you wear it for like 10 minutes or so? All of the logistics confuse me. I remember giving a friend of mine advice on this subject a few years ago when I knew things, but now I'm rusty and confused.

Anyway... I'm currently in the market for some lingerie (for reasons I'm not at liberty to discuss,) so I decided to make a trip to Victoria's Secret today. It was highly unsuccessful. I felt like I was 12 years old, shopping for my first bra.

First of all, they don't have as big of a selection as one would think unless you are a bride-to-be. I learned that the hard way. I saw the big section of white, lacy, pretty, girly white lingerie and thought "Spring!" "This seems like a good color for my skin tone." It would be... If the tags didn't say "I Do" on them. Good thing the sales girl in the dressing room asked me when the big day was. That was a lot of fun.

Also, the lighting in the dressing rooms is enough to give somebody an eating disorder.

In the future I will probably order from the catalogue so I can try it on in the privacy of my own home and skip the part where I try to hang myself with a garter.