Merry Christmas! (I love my mom, I love my mom, I love my mom.)

If you've ever heard my stand-up or read my FB updates, you know my mom is a real special lady. If you've ever had the pleasure of meeting her, you know that bitch (and I mean that in the sweetest, daughterly way) is CA-RAY-ZYYYYYYYYYY! (I mean that in the most truthful, ADORING, grateful-for-life kind of way.)

She's in town for a week and staying with me. 7 days under the same roof. She smokes like a chimney and she seems to think that if she just sticks her head out on the patio, the smoke will all go outside. I'm going to have to Febreeze my fucking toilet paper after she leaves to get the smell of smoke out of this joint. (Thank God I live in a non-smoking building.)

Did I mention she collects fortunes from fortune cookies? Well, she does. I've found 3 in my bed, one on my nightstand, and I vacuumed a few up today. It's like a scavenger hunt just to get to the bathroom.

The most amazing part of this experience thus far is that she recently learned how to text. My mother does not own a computer, nor does she know how to work a television, much less a DVD player. That's not an exaggeration. Every time I get a text from her I laugh because I can't believe my eyes. After 2 years of getting texts from her that read like this "jjjjjjjjyyyyyyyyyyy mommmmmmmmm," I bought her a phone with a full keyboard and now her texts not only make sense, but there are no spelling errors! VICTORY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 She's spent all day sending all her Xmas texts to all her friends and I was so proud of her until I heard her cursing up a storm in the next room. She finally came over and asked me how to text numbers. So I showed her. I also showed her how to use word guess and it was as if she just found out a man walked on the moon. The joy on her face was like a kid on Christmas morning...if the kid was an alcoholic with really strong opinions. She was like "WHAT?! HOW DO COMPUTERS KNOW SO MUCH????!!!!! IT'S AMAZING!"

Things only went downhill from there because the next sentence out of her mouth was "Word not in dictionary?! FUCK YOU!" Then she got pissed and started saying that computers were "Outer space creatures" and "how do they know what you're saying?! It's freaky!" And stormed out of the room.

There's always next Christmas...

It's time to start drinking.
(I love my mom, I love my mom...)

If These Refrigerator Walls Could Talk

...They would simply say, "Hey assholes, can you just do us all a favor and pull the plug?'

My New Year's resolution is going to be to try to keep a fridge that doesn't look like it belongs in a frat or crack house. I mean, seriously. Let's review, shall we?
The top shelf is ANYTHING but.
Aside from the very vital and very necessary Brita that makes our water taste like blueberry vodka for some reason, we've got 3 week old cherry tomatoes, coffee creamer, a jar of dill pickels, and a bouquet of chocolate-covered strawberries that was sent to me from a very sweet friend. (That bouquet is probably the only redeeming quality this fridge has...+10 points.) If you can see behind all this, you might notice a tin of egg nog that my mother bought last holiday season when she was in town. Lucky for us, the bottle and a half of Jack Daniels she put in the first batch was enough to keep her from making the second batch. Enough said.

I think the second shelf speaks for itself. Taco Bell, Chinese take-out, old celery. -55 points.

The third shelf is awesome for one reason only: The single yam sitting on the bottom right-hand corner. That was an impulse purchase. I was at Ralph's and saw this individually wrapped yam and thought, "I could just put that in the microwave and eat it with something!"
(Or I could let it sit in my refrigerator for 3 1/2 weeks.) Fail. -725 points.

I'm gonna stop now because I'm starting to get depressed. You get the idea. I would say "no wonder i'm single" but the truth is, I won't even let a man pour himself a glass of blueberry vodka-flavored Brita water around here.

Gatica Out.