She's in town for a week and staying with me. 7 days under the same roof. She smokes like a chimney and she seems to think that if she just sticks her head out on the patio, the smoke will all go outside. I'm going to have to Febreeze my fucking toilet paper after she leaves to get the smell of smoke out of this joint. (Thank God I live in a non-smoking building.)
Did I mention she collects fortunes from fortune cookies? Well, she does. I've found 3 in my bed, one on my nightstand, and I vacuumed a few up today. It's like a scavenger hunt just to get to the bathroom.The most amazing part of this experience thus far is that she recently learned how to text. My mother does not own a computer, nor does she know how to work a television, much less a DVD player. That's not an exaggeration. Every time I get a text from her I laugh because I can't believe my eyes. After 2 years of getting texts from her that read like this "jjjjjjjjyyyyyyyyyyy mommmmmmmmm," I bought her a phone with a full keyboard and now her texts not only make sense, but there are no spelling errors! VICTORY!!!!!!!!!!!!!
She's spent all day sending all her Xmas texts to all her friends and I was so proud of her until I heard her cursing up a storm in the next room. She finally came over and asked me how to text numbers. So I showed her. I also showed her how to use word guess and it was as if she just found out a man walked on the moon. The joy on her face was like a kid on Christmas morning...if the kid was an alcoholic with really strong opinions. She was like "WHAT?! HOW DO COMPUTERS KNOW SO MUCH????!!!!! IT'S AMAZING!"
Things only went downhill from there because the next sentence out of her mouth was "Word not in dictionary?! FUCK YOU!" Then she got pissed and started saying that computers were "Outer space creatures" and "how do they know what you're saying?! It's freaky!" And stormed out of the room.
There's always next Christmas...
It's time to start drinking.
(I love my mom, I love my mom...)
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