Bridesmess

I don't go to many weddings. I live in LA, so I don't really know people who get married. Therefore, weddings are a novelty to me and I love them, even though I usually break out into a reocurring rash all over my body when one is approaching. (True story.) But what's not to love? Lots of food, lots of drinks, DANCING, people happy and optimistic about love and the future (unlike my daily life.) I haven't been to many weddings, but my fondest memories are of one where I ended up in the hot tub of a certain television star with my closest friends, of which there is a lost tape circulating this earth. That was after I cried all my makeup off during the ceremony, of course.

The other fondest memory I have is of the only wedding I've ever been in. I was lucky enough to have my very best friends with me. That one ended in many different ways. One of those ways includes my "homosexual" roommate stripping my bridesmaid's dress off of me in the hotel room and forcing me to dance with him. (Ok, he didn't force me, per se...) The other ways, I'm not at liberty to discuss. Let's just say it was a lot of fun, and I cried BEFORE, DURING, and AFTER the ceremony. (See picture below.)

You're probably reading this and thinking "Who gives a shit, you crazy basket case?" I am, too.

This past weekend, I was somebody's wedding date for the first time! (My "homosexual" roommate's date.) Shocking, since from what you have read above, I'm a good time at a wedding. Personally, I was looking to make a living out of being a professional wedding date. But then my good friend Steve pointed out that that position has already been created. "They're called 'escorts.'" Touche, Steve.

What I learned form that wedding, aside from the fact that if you have an empty seat next to you, you can get two different entrees and pawn one of them off as the invisible guest's next to you, is that bridesmaids are supposed to smile when walking down the aisle and not look like they just watched "Marley & Me." Note taken for the next wedding I'm in. I also learned that while I love my cocktails, I should probably not get wasted if/when I have a wedding day of my own. I'm going to have to speak to people and most importantly, my husband will be expecting to finally get a piece of this... Wait...

I will work on my game plan. All I know is Kenny and I on the dance floor is definitely on the itinerary at any wedding. We also do bachelor parties and bar mitzvahs.

Luchana Gatica: The Black Man's Kryptonite

It's no secret that Kim Kardashian and I have a few things in common: We both have some junk in the trunk (although i don't really think my junk fills up the trunk as much as hers, or as my friend Scott Cushing would describe her, "She looks like she's wearing adult diapers,") we both suffer from psoriasis (a big shout out to Kim for making psoriasis, and asses, cool) and we are both popular among African American males ages 12-99.                         

(If you thought I was going to say "We've both made tapes we're not proud of," then I guess we will just have to wait a little longer to see what happens when I get famous.)

I've had a busy week when it comes to that last example. 

Sometimes I think it might be all in my head... Until I walk into a room full of these gentlemen and feel like I'm walking through a prison (see my comedy routine,) or the Main Room at the Comedy Store on a Tuesday night. That is precisely where things took a turn this week.                                            

This can only mean two things: A.) I need to up my cardio regimen. B.) They can sense that I am 'uncharted territory' when it comes to the chocolate thunder, kind of like how all the Cullens are oh-so-eager to suck Bella's blood in "Twilight."

Saturday night was particularly special when we had several basketball players at my place of employment. Need I say more? Obviously. Let's just say, as I was leaving, my boss was re-enacting what he saw every time I went over to the table in question. Let's also say that I'm going to start requesting extra security on nights like those or at least someone to escort me to my car, as I don't feel safe in my work environment and also feel like my sexual health is in jeopardy.

Sunday is the Lord's day. One would hope they would be a little more tactful when oggling... Especially at hospitals. As I was getting a visitor's pass, I could feel stares behind me. My suspicions were true. As I was walking out my friend said to me, "Did you see those..." And I stopped him immediately and said, "Yes. Staring. I know all about it."

The moral of the story is 2013 is right around the corner, and we are all aware of the pact I've made before God and my 19 faithful followers. If you don't know what I'm talking about, you should subscribe to my blog and stay in the loop. Big things happening. Until then, hold on to your do-rags.