XOXO- Dream Creep

A psychic once told me to pay attention to my dreams because "they are messages." She also eluded to the fact that I was going to be a single mother, which made me a little depressed since I grew up without a father figure.

I have always wondered if other people have dreams as weird and vivid as I do. Those particular dreams are precisely the reason why I developed a crazy/obsessive/stalkerish crush on Drake. Yes, I liked his music to begin with. Yes, I thought he was cute. Yes, I liked the fact that he is Jewish. But it wasn't until I started having ridiculously realistic recurring dreams that we were in a serious relationship that I began my mission to bear his Blewish babies. I would literally wake up with an aching in my heart when I realized it was just a dream.  Therefore, I blame the intensity of my dreams for getting me into this mess. (In retrospect, both of the things the psychic told me seem to go hand-in-hand... Single mother, rapper.)

A couple of days ago I had a lesbian dream about one of my girl crushes, Blake Lively. I honestly don't remember the full details, but I kind of wish I did. I could do a lot worse if I were a lesbian. Both in dream world and in the real world. I woke up wondering for a split second if I was bisexual. Then I visualized a vagina in front of my face and realized my own vagina is about all I can handle. Don't get me wrong, I could totally get on board with being a lesbian from the waist up, but it's taken me 29 years to master taking care of one vagina. Two is one too many, sorry Blake. (Although I'm willing to reconsider if Ryan Reynolds is part of the equation.)

In the meantime, I hope my dreams don't end up getting me a restraining order. 

Act Like a Gentleman, Think Like a Gentleman

There are some things I’m not great at. Not many, but some. One thing I have mastered in my 29 years of life, is the ability to walk into a place and get something or everything for free. I believe this trait is hereditary, as I saw my mother be successful at this all of her life. I have walked into a place and had mine and my friend’s $100+ dinners paid for by a stranger. I’ve walked into the MAC Store and been given free lip gloss from the gay salesman for no reason. I have witnesses.

Before I go on, you should know I am one of THE MOST independent women you will EVER meet in your life. I have witnesses.

Now that I’ve made that clear, I’d like to express the fact that I am always so flabbergasted when a guy comes up to talk to my friends and I at a bar and doesn’t offer to buy us a drink. Or worse, walks his trifling ass to the bar, gets himself a drink without offering us one, and then returns to talk to us with no shame in his game. This happens A LOT, as well. I just returned from Vegas, where this was the case more often than not.

I’m not saying I expect anything, but if you are expecting ANY access to my vagina, you have already started off on the wrong foot… And leg. As Steve Harvey has stated, everyone knows vagina makes the world go ‘round. It is ultimately the reason why men are driven to get the job and the success and the clothes and the cars. We are all looking for a gentleman who makes us feel safe. You taking charge and being chivalrous and offering us a drink can make us feel safe. And you know what else? If you came over to talk to us at a bar, you’re obviously hoping for a little more than conversation. So, guess what? The more alcohol you give us, the more appealing you are and the better your odds of getting vagina get.

Furthermore, being a girl is expensive. Do you know how much we spend in life to smell nice and be pretty and soft for guys?  Waxing, makeup, hair products… It’s a lot. So if you don’t think I am worth at least one Stoli and grapefruit (Notice I didn’t say Grey Goose. I’m not high-maintenance. You’re welcome.) then don’t talk to me.

And cheers to the guys with the manners. That is what separates the MEN from the BOYS. I would like to buy YOU a drink.