Roses are red, Valentine's Day is stupid.

I've never been a fan of Valentine's Day. Not just because I'm bitter and I've been single for 6 years, I just don't like the pressure. If a girl comes home empty-handed to a a guy on Valentine's Day, it's all good in the hood. If a guy comes home empty-handed on Valentine's Day, HOLD ON TO YOU FUCKING HATS. That's not fair.

BTW... As I'm writing this, a uterine contraceptive commercial is playing.

Now a match.com commercial is playing. (True story. I swear on my birth control pill.)

Thanks, universe, I get it.

The moral of my story is that I'm happy as a clam. Is that a saying? I feel like I've heard it, but I'm not sure. It doesn't make sense, but I swear I've heard it.

I am really happy, though. I know people say that, and (truth be told,) I usually want to punch those people right in the larynx, but I really am. I look back on so many douchebags that I've dated. Guys that picked the rice off of their sushi (true story,) guys that wore really deep v-necks, and guys that weren't interested in sleeping with me (if you know what I mean.) Gross.

I get to have a wonderful life with people I love who make me smile and laugh and have adventures with. I'm really lucky. So Valentine's Day can take it's pre fix menus and shove them.

I'm gonna watch my questionable CW programming now. Goodnight.

AMBER ALERT!!!

I've never had a problem with getting older. I've always had older friends, dated older men (daddy issues.)
When I turned 25 and found my first gray hair, I plucked it out. When one hair became lots, I just kept (keep) plucking them out. No problem. I've always enjoyed getting older. Every year has always seemed to be better than the last. I appreciate myself more each year. I learn and grow more. I'm happy and healthy and grateful.

Well, now it seems my body is starting to turn on me. I take back everything I've ever said about embracing age.

This week my lower back decided to start acting like a bitch. I've been a runner for years and have never had any issues with my body. I used to dance and do gymnastics and have always been very very active. Now all of a sudden it feels like someone is constantly rubbing Icy Hot on my lower back for no reason. I got a massage and thought the problem was solved until Queen Latifah's girlfriend kicked my ass in the gym today.

Another awesome thing that happened was I thought my boobs were getting bigger which was really exciting... until I realized so was everything from the waist down. We're not in Kansas anymore. I can't eat cake 3 days in a row without consequences. (But I did it anyway this week.)

Even so, I can deal with all of that. I'm an adult, shit happens, I get it. But what really has me concerned is my potentially threatening case of BABY FEVER!!!!!!!

WHAT HAPPENED TO ME?????!!!!!!!!!!!!

I've been single for 6 years and up until last year, I was never really sure if I wanted kids. Let's just say  if I don't have kids in 5 years, I fear for the safety of other people's children. More that I already do. I feel so betrayed by my biological clock. How did this happen to me??? I'M SINGLE! I'm in no position to have a kid, so why the fuck is my body getting ridiculous ideas???! I used to think babies were so annoying. I used to cross my fingers every time I saw a baby come onto an airplane I was on, hoping and praying that it would be nowhere near me. It ALWAYS would be. Crying and screaming as I gave the parents dirty looks and set my alarm to take my birth control pill.

Now I can't stop creepily staring at EVERY BABY I SEE. Like "Hand That Rocks the Cradle" style. You know you're getting older when, at a party, you gravitate towards the babies instead of the cute guys. A baby threw up in my perfectly coifed curls recently and I could have cared less. I would let a baby throw shit like a monkey at me if it would make him/her love me. (Okay, maybe I took it a little too far with that last statement, but I probably would allow it.)

So basically this is a cry for help. In the words of Antoine Dodson, "hide yo kids."