Monday, August 8, 2011

Luchana Gatica: The Black Man's Kryptonite

It's no secret that Kim Kardashian and I have a few things in common: We both have some junk in the trunk (although i don't really think my junk fills up the trunk as much as hers, or as my friend Scott Cushing would describe her, "She looks like she's wearing adult diapers,") we both suffer from psoriasis (a big shout out to Kim for making psoriasis, and asses, cool) and we are both popular among African American males ages 12-99.                         
(If you thought I was going to say "We've both made tapes we're not proud of," then I guess we will just have to wait a little longer to see what happens when I get famous.)

I've had a busy week when it comes to that last example. 


Sometimes I think it might be all in my head... Until I walk into a room full of these gentlemen and feel like I'm walking through a prison (see my comedy routine,) or the Main Room at the Comedy Store on a Tuesday night. That is precisely where things took a turn this week.                                            

This can only mean two things: A.) I need to up my cardio regimen. B.) They can sense that I am 'uncharted territory' when it comes to the chocolate thunder, kind of like how all the Cullens are oh-so-eager to suck Bella's blood in "Twilight."

Saturday night was particularly special when we had several basketball players at my place of employment. Need I say more? Obviously. Let's just say, as I was leaving, my boss was re-enacting what he saw every time I went over to the table in question. Let's also say that I'm going to start requesting extra security on nights like those or at least someone to escort me to my car, as I don't feel safe in my work environment and also feel like my sexual health is in jeopardy.

Sunday is the Lord's day. One would hope they would be a little more tactful when oggling... Especially at hospitals. As I was getting a visitor's pass, I could feel stares behind me. My suspicions were true. As I was walking out my friend said to me, "Did you see those..." And I stopped him immediately and said, "Yes. Staring. I know all about it."

The moral of the story is 2013 is right around the corner, and we are all aware of the pact I've made before God and my 19 faithful followers. If you don't know what I'm talking about, you should subscribe to my blog and stay in the loop. Big things happening. Until then, hold on to your do-rags.

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