Bridesmess

I don't go to many weddings. I live in LA, so I don't really know people who get married. Therefore, weddings are a novelty to me and I love them, even though I usually break out into a reocurring rash all over my body when one is approaching. (True story.) But what's not to love? Lots of food, lots of drinks, DANCING, people happy and optimistic about love and the future (unlike my daily life.) I haven't been to many weddings, but my fondest memories are of one where I ended up in the hot tub of a certain television star with my closest friends, of which there is a lost tape circulating this earth. That was after I cried all my makeup off during the ceremony, of course.

The other fondest memory I have is of the only wedding I've ever been in. I was lucky enough to have my very best friends with me. That one ended in many different ways. One of those ways includes my "homosexual" roommate stripping my bridesmaid's dress off of me in the hotel room and forcing me to dance with him. (Ok, he didn't force me, per se...) The other ways, I'm not at liberty to discuss. Let's just say it was a lot of fun, and I cried BEFORE, DURING, and AFTER the ceremony. (See picture below.)

You're probably reading this and thinking "Who gives a shit, you crazy basket case?" I am, too.

This past weekend, I was somebody's wedding date for the first time! (My "homosexual" roommate's date.) Shocking, since from what you have read above, I'm a good time at a wedding. Personally, I was looking to make a living out of being a professional wedding date. But then my good friend Steve pointed out that that position has already been created. "They're called 'escorts.'" Touche, Steve.

What I learned form that wedding, aside from the fact that if you have an empty seat next to you, you can get two different entrees and pawn one of them off as the invisible guest's next to you, is that bridesmaids are supposed to smile when walking down the aisle and not look like they just watched "Marley & Me." Note taken for the next wedding I'm in. I also learned that while I love my cocktails, I should probably not get wasted if/when I have a wedding day of my own. I'm going to have to speak to people and most importantly, my husband will be expecting to finally get a piece of this... Wait...

I will work on my game plan. All I know is Kenny and I on the dance floor is definitely on the itinerary at any wedding. We also do bachelor parties and bar mitzvahs.